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|Posted on August 6, 2012 at 9:40 AM||comments (59)|
Aug. 4, 2012 marked 4 years since I received the phone call that would change my life forever. I try not to remember this day as a bad day, but yet it is so hard not to. I try to remember it as Dino Doozers Birthday. The day I decided as a mother I would never give up.
Time seems to have slipped away from me at times, but not a days goes by that I don't miss my son. I still find it very hard when people ask "so how many kids do you have" or when I see a family gathered around laughing and playing around. I wish I had this....I wish I had my family together again.
People tell me that I am strong....I'm not strong by any mings. I'm just a mom who has other children to take care of and I have to do what I have to do to get through the day just like everyone els. Sherod was the strong one. No matter how hurt he was or how tired he gave his all everyday .... even his last day.
Child loss is probably one of the hardest things in life as a parent. It leaves a void in your heart and in your sole. You have to deal with it every day and every night. You never get a break from it and it never goes away. I know I put a smile on my face and people think I'm doing just fine. When in reality I'm still crying every day and the pain is so great sometimes I can't bare it. So I tend to hide from it.
I find that helping other families has really helped me, but at the same time I pray that there comes a time were someone will help me. I'm still very lost and very alone. I still hurt and simple things in life are just not so simple any more.
I can say that I am a different woman from all my experience as a mother and a mother minus one. I Thank God every day that he gives me to continue to do what I do and for the ones who stand by me.
|Posted on February 10, 2012 at 3:00 PM||comments (63)|
Well today turned out to be an ok day. Yesterday was a little challenging. When someone asks me "so how many kids do you have". I still pause for a second and then I explain with "well I had 3 but lost one in Dec. 09 to cancer". The response is usually the same "oh I didn't know I'm so sorry"...and you know it's really ok, because how would know.
I guess we never think about things like this until our child is no longer here, and then it becomes so difficult knowing what to say.
I hear allot of my friends talk about what there kids are doing and how they are going to miss them when they go off to College or move away to another state for work or whatever it may be. I just sit back and think I wish I was having that kind of problem. Then I could still come visit you and talk with you on the phone. Even to hear your voice and for you to tell me your ok from time to time would be good enough sometimes....but your number doesn't show up on mommies phone anymore bud. I can't hear your voice and the only thing that tells me your ok is my faith in God and at times that is even tested.
I will never stop thinking about you and how things use to be with you here. I miss you every day and I know I have allot of work left here on Earth to do. I will fulfill your dreams of one day having a Foundation that will fund kids from around the world to go to a Camp like Camp Newfriends and we will find a Cure for NF and Childhood Cancer. I will not stop fighting for you and what we started together. We will fight this NF and Childhood Cancer into extinction.
I love you Sherod and we all miss you
Love always and Forever
|Posted on January 27, 2012 at 10:25 AM||comments (69)|
Things here have been so busy. Your Aunt Renee and I have been very busy getting things ready for the 2nd Annual March Masquerade Ball. This year we have some pretty cool Entertainment...I know you would really like him. He does an amazing Elton John Tribute.
Then today is probably one of the biggest steps in the right direction for your brother. Last night he went to bed a young man ..... this morning he woke up a Soldier. Yep he is officially joining The United States Army today. I know there will be times were he is alone and afraid and when that happens, can you please find someway to please give your brother some comfort from above.
I know he saw you as a Soldier fighting Cancer and he still sees you fighting through all of us including him everyday. Now he has chosen to fight for his Country and for that I have to say I am very proud of both of my boys!
Your brother and I have had are ups and downs but what family doesn't. After you passed he didn't want to finish High School, but after 2 years he finally did it. Then he decides to to do this....oooh the house is becoming empty way to fast.
Soon he will be off to Boot Camp then Tech. School and then off he goes. I miss waking up to you guys fighting about the remote control and the last bit of milk. I tell ya Handsome I would do anything to have those mornings again. I remember the morning when I came down stairs to a complete mess in my kitchen. You and Andrew made me breakfast on the kitchen floor...eggs,flour, sugar ...lol..you name it, if it was in your reach you guys had it on the floor. Oh I was so mad but at the same time I couldn't help but laugh because you guys looked so cute all floured up.
I really miss you son I would love to wake up and find you in my kitchen....
Well on another note your little sister is doing good in school. She starts track soon and she is growing up way to fast as well. I think she is worried about Andrew going into the Army and having to go off to War. Although she hasn't said anything to me I can see it in her eyes. The thought of loosing another brother worries her, but like me we will continue to think positive and keep those thoughts out of our mind. Honestly if I had to go through this again with your brother I don't know if I would have the strength. As it is it is hard enough getting through the day at times without your here.
I love you Sherod and miss you every day.
Love always and forever your Mom