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|Posted on September 22, 2011 at 10:36 AM||comments (48)|
For those of you who are in my shoes will know what I'm talking about. I often wonder how long does it take to go through the grieving process? Well I found the answer....Everyone one is different and there is no time frame to stop grieving. Because you lost a loved on doesn't mean you have say 6 months to get over it.
Allot of times people forget that you go home everyday and have to face the fact that you child is never coming home. Or that you will never be able to hold them, kiss them and tell them goodnight. Those people who forget about your status are usually those who have never been in your shoes.
I sat in on a grievance group one time and a lady speaker got up to explain to us the grieving she went through. She was a successful woman and worked long hours and allot of weekends to make sure that her family had the best of everything. One day she was running late to a school function as usual. In her mind because she missed so many of them a part of her thought "well my family always knows I'm busy with work they will understand" another part of her wanted to be there because she has broken so many promises. Needless to say she never made it to the school play that her Twins were in and once again her husband had to explain that mommy is really busy.
So she ended up going straight home knowing that she wouldn't make it. As the clocked moved forward she thought for minute that maybe her husband must have taken the kids to get some ice cream after the play. 45 min. later there was a knock on her door and a man she had never seen before telling her that there was a bad accident and that her husband and kids didn't make it.
Her life stopped in its tracks that night and she knew it would never be the same. about a month After the funeral of her husband and her 2 kids she started back to work. She was looking for a new normal and knew she had to move on. After all allot of her friends, family and co-workers we over it so why shouldn't she. She kept things to her self and started resenting those around her for not asking her how she is doing. All the while she returned her her home to find it empty once again and crying herself to sleep.
About 5 years after the death of her Husband and her children she finally snapped one day. She said she walked into work as she normally does. Got her coffee, went to her office, sat down in her chair and starred at the picture on her desk of her and her family. Moments later her boss walked in with an attitude about some paperwork that didn't get signed. She looked and him and started yelling.....'Is that all your worried about...what about me...what about asking me how I'm doing, how am I holding up....Why doesn't anyone ask me how I'm doing!!" He replied with ..." well you seemed to be ok so why ask".
To make a long story short she ended up in a mental institution for several years followed by several more years of counseling. She lost her job, her home and what family she had left because she had so much hate for them not taking the time to check up on her. All the while she realized that she was putting on a front and so If she was telling everyone she was ok then they thought she was.
This woman now after many many years of heartbreak and hell has picked herself back up and talks about her feelings and doesn't put on a front anymore. If she hurts and is having a "bad day" then she says so. She is no longer afraid to cry. It doesn't mean she is week it just means that she is human and has feelings.
The moral of her story was that grieving over a loved one never really ends, but hiding behind a broken heart will make you crazy.
|Posted on September 21, 2011 at 3:06 PM||comments (76)|
For those who know me know I've been running from the fact that my son is gone now for almost 2 years. I have recently stopped running and started to write down all my thoughts and feelings to share with others. As hard as it is for me I know it is what I need to do.
You know that saying...Time heals all. Ya I don't know about that one. I think this void in my heart will always be there. I am truely greatful for the time I did have with my son, but I can say I wanted more time with him...who wouldn't.
I often wonder why some die and not others. Sherod was a great young man who never did anything wrong. So why did God take him from me? Why is he making me suffer? My list of WHY could go on, but one thing I do know is this. I miss my son everyday and whould do anything to hold him and kiss one more time.
Shortly after Sherod passed I could still smell his clothes or blankets and they smelled just like him. It has been almost 2 years now and I can no longer smell him anymore. The sent has gone away from his blankets, his clothes and his pillow. I can no longer hold his hand and feel his soft skin nor can I kiss him goodnight. I miss everything about him. Including his wise cracks and jokes he would play on us. Like the time he pretended to cry to his Uncle Eric because he just wanted a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. He made Eric feel so bad he ran right out and got him one...all the while Sherod was cracking up laughing because he pulled a fast one on his Uncle.OOOH how I miss that!
|Posted on September 16, 2011 at 5:20 PM||comments (65)|
It has been almost 2 years since my son has past. I miss him just as much today as I did yesterday and the day he passed. I will never forget the phone call I received Aug. 4th, 2008...the day they told me he had Cancer. I can still hear the Dr.'s voice to this day as he tried to comfort me in the news I was about to receive. That day changed me life forever as well as my families.
I was working when I got that call.....I felt my world crashing around me and this heavy feeling of numbness. I was sitting at a little Diner having lunch alone when the phone rang. After I hung up from the Dr. I remember walking up to the cashier to pay for my meal. Although she just gave me my order moments before I just wanted to leave as fast as I could. I was shaking so bad I could hardly stand up straight. I just wanted to get into my car drive over to my house and hold my son. Instead I got into my car, called my mom then tried to pull myself together and went back to work. I still to this day don't know why I went back...maybe I just needed a little bit of normal in my life as I knew from this day forward things were going to change.
As the days went by I wondered how I would tell my son that he has cancer. Being a parent we are usually the bad guy that bring the bearer of bad news because we do the grounding, and telling them NO! I just didn't want to be the bearer of this BAD NEWS. I opted to say nothing at all and just let the Dr.'s tell him.. Right or Wrong that was my decision. So 2 days after that phone call we headed back up to Doernbechers Children's Hospital. My heart still heavy with pain and sadness I walked into that room with my son and my parents thinking/hoping for one moment that this is just all a big misunderstanding and that they were going to tell us his biopsy came back clean.
As the Dr.'s welcomed us into the room I felt my eyes filling up with water. Thinking how did this happen, was it something I did, how could this be happening to my son. As we all took our seats the Oncologist asked Sherod how he was doing...Sherod looked at him and told him he feels fine. Then he began to tell us about the test results. The next 3 words that came out of his mouth as he looked at my son broke my heart to peices...." You have Cancer". then he began to tell us that not only is it Cancer but it is a very Rare type of Cancer. I knew then that they had no cure for what he has.
I can still see Sherod sitting there across from me hold his Dinosaur named Ray looking for some form of comfort. I was so numb I couldn't even move and I just kept telling myself ..."get up and hold your son as close and as tight as you can" but I couldn't ...for the life of me I couldn't even move.
The room became silent and then my Dad turns to Sherod and tells him "grandpa has Cancer too...we will fight this together". Sherod sat up in his chair looked at all of us in the room and said "Hell ya we can beat this"
Over the next 17 months Sherod went through Chemo, a dozen more surgeries and Radiation treatment. That fall Sherod started the 9th grade in High School. Despite his week long rounds of Chemotherapy and getting sick for days after each treatment. He continued to go to school and became the Manager of the R.A. Long Football team. On October 29, of 2008 the team gave Sherod a Jersey of his own and told him he was going to join the team on the field for the Coin Toss. His teammates as well as his friends and family knew he was not going to give up without a fight.
Sherod and I became closer than we ever have for more than just the obvious reasons. He still wanted me to let him stay the night with his friends and go play when he was feeling good. He would remind me from time to time that he isn't dead and I need to let him live a normal life for as long as he can.
As Feb. rolled came we were told by the Dr.'s that they have done all they can for Sherod and they will have to stop the Chemo treatments. I knew time was closing in on us.
If I could have one wish that day I would have wished I was the one with the Cancer instead of my son.